i am ready to just pass out from everything that is happening in my life right now.....im exhasted!! and i feel hopeless....numb.....alone..even though i have people around me....i still feel alone...even my boyfriend....i hear him out in the livingroom with our (his?) friends-playing WII, and laughing and having a good time. i havn't heard him like that in a long while. we dont make each other laugh anymore....he says im always pushing him away....well...i guess right now i am, what with all the shit i have to deal with right now. i lock myself up in our bedroom....keeping to myself.....agonizing over the thoughts of what has been going on in my life right now.....i am sooo fucking NUMB!!!! and im also going thru all 5 stages of grief too--at the same fuckin time!!! im depressed-im pissed off-im so sad-and im trying to accept it all-like one giant fuckin horse pill im trying to swallow!!!! and im choking miserably on it!!!i dont know what to do with myself....nothing interests me anymore...im trying to be creative...but...i cant put it down on paper...im sick to my stomach! and i also feel guilty about my boyfriend because today is his birthday-and i just cant be there emotionally for him..i even told him that i might move out and in with a friend-my tattoo girl-i feel like such a horrible person---i cant make him happy anymore and i just wish he would admit it! i dont know why he is holding on!?? he says cause he loves me....there is no such thing as love..not for me anyway.....and i miss my sister!!!! if only i could talk to her one more time....